Before I became pregnant with my first baby, I was a very different person; I only had a very vague idea of myself as a mother, and I was clueless about mothering! In the hours immediately after the birth, I very unexpectedly fell madly in love with my baby; it all felt surreal and primal.
During the pregnancy, I had decided that I would try to breastfeed my son but inwardly, I believed that there was a fair chance I’d end up formula-feeding or doing a mix of breastfeeding and supplementing. Well, who knew? Despite a few early hiccups, breastfeeding began beautifully. The weeks rolled into months and nursing became a part of our days; I learnt how to meet my son’s needs and to be what he needed me to be. Simply put, I learnt how to be a mother.
Now, four babies and almost 10 years later, nursing still holds a special place in my heart. It defines how I parent. Even with my weaned children, the relationship we have now grew out of our nursing relationship; it is an extension of the close bond that was formed through breastfeeding.
Nursing my children has humbled me, and shown me that many precious lessons about mothering cannot be learnt from any book!
I Define How My Story Goes!
Breastfeeding & parenting books give the impression that there is a formula for a certain outcome; a set of steps that a mother can follow for success. The first and most difficult lesson I learnt was that there is no success or failure in breastfeeding. Breastfeeding a baby is more art than science, and no description or how-to guide really nails it for anyone. It is about finding what works for me and my family, going with the rhythm, and defining how I want things to go for us. The ideas from books, hands-on helpers and other mothers are the starting-point for this journey of discovering and learning.
I learnt this the painful way when I became pregnant with my second baby while breastfeeding the first. When I found out I was pregnant, I decided that I wanted to nurse through the pregnancy and tandem nurse both my toddler and newborn. However, with the hormonal changes that come with pregnancy, shifts in milk supply and breastfeeding agitation, I found it difficult to keep nursing whenever and for however long my son wanted. So, I began initiating changes in our nursing pattern, and soon, my son was nursing less. I felt a sense of loss then, but I knew that this was what worked for us.
My Breastfeeding Cocoon – Time & Space With My Baby
With each subsequent birth, the demands on my time and attention increased manyfold. During the times that I sat still to nurse, I could focus on and truly be present with my baby. I now see how these moments were precious, especially with my children who have weaned from breastfeeding. Mothers often feel like they have no time to sit and breastfeed a baby with an older sibling needing so much hands-on care or with many other demands on their time; breastfeeding affords a busy mother opportunities to connect with her baby, even in the midst of the daily whirl.
Mothering Through Nursing
Nursing helped me get in touch with my mothering instincts, and listen to what my gut was saying about being a mum. I realised that my relationship with each of my children was tremendously important to me, and that became my guiding star as I faced different parenting decisions down the road. Looking back now, continuing to breastfeed past the 1st year and through subsequent pregnancies influenced the choices I went on to make about sleep, introducing solids, gentle discipline and preschool.
Each of my kids have different temperaments and needs, and nursing them gave me a way to fit each of those temperaments, empathise and set limits.
The Supermum – A Mythical Creature
Like unicorns and griffins, the Supermum does not exist. Being a mother is challenging and emotionally rigorous; it involves multitasking, large amounts of caregiving and juggling many different responsibilities. Society surrounds us with messages about what a parent should be doing to raise a child ‘right’, leaving mothers feeling confused or inadequate. These feelings of self-doubt add to the daily challenges.
I started out as a mother having unrealistic expectations of myself and holding myself to impossible standards. The gap between what I thought was ‘a good mother’ and my reality was pretty big! Through times of feeling lost and burnt-out, I became aware of my own thoughts and expectations. I began to question my thinking. I met other real-life mothers, and listened to their experiences about raising their children and family life. Not surprisingly, I left the supermum myth far behind!
I have come to see that every mother is human and simply does as much as she can. There is no standard measure for what makes a good mother. I am exactly who and where I am supposed to be; this mother for this child, in this family.
Our breastfeeding stories are shaped by our babies’ and families’ needs. There is no ‘ideal’ breastfeeding standard. However long a mother breastfeeds for, whether she breastfeeds exclusively, whether she expresses milk at work, she does not need to feel like she is somehow not ‘enough’. Nursing mothers come in all shapes and styles!
Seasons Change!
Now that my oldest child is nine, my perspective has changed. With all my breastfeeding and other parenting struggles, I see how any particular struggle will pass, no matter how intense or all-consuming; it will become a vague memory in the whole scheme of things. Knowing and believing that every season does change has helped me to be more patient and gentle with my children, my husband, and myself.
It’s The Getting There, Not The Endpoint, That Matters!
With all the concern about how long to breastfeed for, exclusive breastfeeding versus supplementing, introducing solids and returning to work, our breastfeeding goals gradually eclipse the day-to-day process of breastfeeding. Our babies become toddlers and then preschoolers all too quickly, and soon, they are no longer nursing. We need to remember that breastfeeding is not just a means of delivering food to a baby, it is a deeply personal and intimate language between a mother and her child. Maybe the numbers and yardsticks don’t matter as much as the connection and interaction that comes with nursing.
